youre lurking in front of me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
