this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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