I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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