Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
