if only i could text you this smell
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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