Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
