thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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