Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
