hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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