im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
