exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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