Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Blood and glitter go together right?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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