I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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