Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
