how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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