How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have aggressive nipples.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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