So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
