I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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