I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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