Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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