I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
