every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
