i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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