I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
