Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
