you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
