We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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