and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
