dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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