Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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