WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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