Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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