um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
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