$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
