Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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