upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
