it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize