I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
