I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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