you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
