I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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