Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
