Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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