I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
