the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Randomize
