Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
