Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I could make wine with my vomit
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
