I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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