I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
