So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize