that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize