pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
