Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
