Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
