why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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