Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
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