woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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