The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
